Passion is Thy Name!

Today, I woke up in the morning expecting to feel many emotions but was surprised to find that all I felt was a numbness. An anticipated numbness.

.
As I got ready to make my final trip to the office, I checked my external HDD one last time to make sure that I’ve transferred all my files from my laptop -  all of them collected in the past 8.5 yrs of my working life. Paranoidly, I checked the 20-odd PST files to make sure that they are all backed up in the external HDD. It would kill me to lose any of my precious files!

.
Finally satisfied that all my files are secured in my external HDD, I made my way into the office for the last time as a badged employee. My next visit will be as a visitor.

.
It was a short day for me. Cleaning my rather empty and very underutilised cube, checking for any last minute emails before finally passing my laptop and my badge to HR. Sweetheart teased me “How come didn’t bring your camera? Not gonna take any pix with any folks in the office meh?”

.
I was surprised to realise that the thought of bringing a camera to the office on my last day did not occur to me at all. In fact, I skipped the entire going-around-bidding-farewell-to-folks episode. Most folks do that on their last day but strangely, I didn’t feel like doing that at all. Not because I have no memories that I’d want to take with me but because those memories are already secured in my heart and mind.

.
Throughout the entire day, I kept waiting for the sadness to overwhelm me (I wanted to make sure that I was prepared and not make a weeping fool outta myself lah). The whole day, it eluded me. By the time I walked out of the building, I was still feeling … nothing.

.
Perplexed, I asked Sweetheart “How come I don’t feel sad? I thought I’d be more emotional than I am now for leaving this place I consider my 2nd home for the past 8.5 yrs. Even when I moved department throughout the years, I was always having a hard time moving on to the next role. Each move was as emotionally draining for me as the previous one. How come this time I feel … nothing? It’s not like I no longer care for this place. I still love it with all my heart!”

.
“It’s simple, really” Sweetheart reasoned with me. “Y’see, you have unconsciously detached yourself emotionally from the folks in the Penang office becos of your last 3 projects. You work hours that are different from the folks here and you see them so infrequently that you’ve forgotten how it is to see or spend time with them. Most of the time, you are working thruout the nights - thx to your global role and your US teams - and are not in the office physically much. You still feel attached to the company but not to the people in the company. It’s the people interaction that’ll tear at our hearts when we leave a place, and that is something you’ve not had for a long time already. That, baby, is why you feel ‘nothing’ today.”

.
Hmmm…I really didn’t think of it that way till he pointed it out to me. Then I realised how he’d hit the nail on the head. I’ve been so severely lacking in human interaction work-wise that I’ve forgotten how it feels like to work with folks around me. Talking on their own phones, turning around for the occasional bitching or jokes, gossiping at the pantry, yakking away at the cafeteria.

.
The only close contact I’ve had in the past 15 months is my speaker phone and my broadband connection at home. The folks I’ve interacted with are just voices over the phone and typed words in chat windows on my laptop screen.

.
Wow…..didn’t realise my worklife has evolved into such a hermit life. I mean, I still meet up with some close buddies for lunch (or tea) and dinners on weekends. Fun times were still aplenty. Maybe that’s why I didn’t realise how much my worklife has changed till I took a backseat and looked back.

.
I know without a single shred of doubt that I’ll struggle in the next few weeks as I go back to ‘normal worklife’. No more sleeping in till whatever time my body wakes up. No more lunch time at whatever time and wherever place and for however long. No more luxury of short lines and almost non-existant crowd at the banks and govt offices during weekdays. No more flexibility of going to the gym at whatever time on whichever day of the week.

.
Suddenly, I am reminded again of why I have subconsciously chosen the hermit worklife. For all of the above flexibility and luxury, one couldn’t really complain much, eh…

.
But all things, good or bad, will have to eventually come to an end.

.
I am now ready for my next chapter. It may be tougher and more demanding but hey, those who know me will know that I never shy away from new challenges. Besides, golden opportunities like this seldom come knocking at our doors. I’d be a fool to not grab it and fly with it to the skies!

.
As I look back, I realised I’ve really learnt and grown by leaps and bounds in the past 8.5 yrs. My life has been so enriched with the many folks I’ve met, the paths I’ve crossed, the lessons I’ve learnt (some more painfully than the others), the challenges I’ve met and conquered and ultimately, I walked out of the building today a much more confident and satisfied person.

.
Thanks for all the memories … and who knows, I may be back!