You know, I could never explain why and how you have this permanent hold on my heart. No matter how far we’ve moved on in our own separate lives. No matter how infrequently we talk to each other anymore. I will never stop loving you. Till the day I draw my final breath.
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Don’t get me wrong. I do not love you the way a woman loves her lover but I love you the way a human being loves another. Pure, simple and sincere love. I am happy for you when things happen to you that put a smile on your face and a lift in your heart. I may not show it or say it much, but I really do feel it in my heart of hearts.
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I know I’ve said some stuff that caused your heart to bleed (mine did too!) but I was speaking from my heart. I know now that it’s wrong. One should never, ever say things to loved ones from just the heart. One should also think with the mind and consider all the many other variables in any given situation. I failed to see all those other variables because I let my heart run too freely. In some instances, it’s alright. But in your instance, it wasn’t.
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I am sorry to have caused you so much grief. I am sorry to have caused BOTH of us so much grief. I try every single day to be stronger. To be able to go up to you and say “It’s Ok. I understand and I fully support you. As long as you are happy, I am happy.”
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In my own hurt and anger, I have hurt you deeply. I don’t want hurt and anger to fester in my heart when it comes to you. Really I don’t. I want our hearts to be filled with love and joy, not resentment and regrets. Nope. Definitely not regrets. I think you, of all folks, know me well enough to know that I DO NOT go through Life with regrets. I have naught a single regret in my entire Life. Good or bad experiences, they moudled me into who I am today.
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I was weak. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with that. That I should be happy if you are happy. Even if it means that I may lose your friendship for eternity. I should be happy for you. I should not cause you to shed a single tear in your happy moments. It was so selfish of me.
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I see that now.
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Sweetheart spoke to me at great lengths about my issue with you. It took me awhile to accept it. That I have to learn to want what is offered to me. Life is not always about getting what we want. It’s sometimes about wanting what we get. So, if you are offering 10% of you, I accept. Even if it’s a mere 1%, I accept too.
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You accepted it with an open heart when Sweetheart came into my Life. I was beside myself with joy when you told me that you’ve found Love again. I know we have discussed this to death already but I will just say it one last time. We are more an exception than the norm. We cannot expect others to accept the things we opened our hearts to. That does not make them any less of a person than we are.
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I understand that now.
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From the bottom of my heart, I am truly happy for you. And for what awaits you next May. It will be the most important and happiest moment of your life. And for me too. Knowing that you are well and truly happy - finally getting what you’ve been dreaming of all these while. Something I was unable to give to you. Of that, I am not sorry. I know with all certainty that I will NEVER be able to give that to you and I want you to know that never for a second did I blame anyone for it. It’s just the way Life pans out.
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What I am truly sorry for is my selfishness. I should never make it so hard for you. I should learn to open up my heart and accept whatever is offered to me. Not demand for what I want and unwilling to accept any less. In other aspects of my life, that works. With you, it just doesn’t. I learnt that applying the peanut butter spread across is just a childish notion that doesn’t fly in real Life.
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I know better now.
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Maybe one day in the very near future, I will have the courage to say all these to your face. At worst, I will just chicken out and email you this post 
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For now, all I can say is take care. May all your dreams come true and may you soar high in the skies as you should be. I will be there in the skies too, smiling and waving at you from my corner.
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I am finally at peace now. With my heart and with myself. Hopefully, with you soon.
I didn’t realise you were still reading my blog. I thought you stopped awhile back. Anyway, thanks for your super long email. Don’t doubt for a second that I believe you want our friendship to last as much as I do….but like you said, Life has its own way of dishing out situations to us, some of which are not-so-palataeble.
However, I did not regret the path we took and will NEVER regret the fact that we met. The gift of our friendship is worth all the tears and heartaches. I truly believe that. You may disagree with me but that’s how I really feel about it. NO REGRETS.
Thanks for your prayers and your hopes. I will do the same and hopefully, our friendship does not need to go into the black hole.
Awww…. shucks…. sob sob sob sob…..